There are lot of new to mining folks here, I’m one of them. Here is my journey and some of the lessons I learned

Why did I go here?

When Bitcoin hit $40k I finally decided that cryptocurrency isn’t going to go away. And if it’s not going to go away I should look into it. The sad thing is that in the early early days of bitcoin I had played with getting a miner going. I even got to the point where it was happily mining away on my computer. But then I had to get back to work and when my computer rebooted I never started it up again. What a loss!
I should also call out, the EtherMining guide is really good. If you are starting your mining journey it’s very helpful

The Wallet

I made the investment in a Ledger wallet. I’ve seen the reddit post that made it to all about poor souls that lost huge amount because of some hack or thievery. If I’m going crypto I’m controlling the keys. I did some research and determined that Leger or Trezor are the best cold wallets. After which I read on Ledger’s site that you shouldn’t mine directly to ledger because it can’t handle a large amount of small transitions (more on this later). Did some google and went with Mew for my mining software wallet figuring I’ll transfer to ledger after.
Here I learned about the magic 20 words or a Mnemonic phrase. Unlike banks, Ledger and Mew don’t hold your account. They are simply devices. If Mew is installed on your phone and if you lose your phone you’re screwed and you can lose all your holdings. Unless you can rebuild your wallet with the Mnemonic phrase that is. Alright, good stuff. I have mine and a safe wallet

And Ethereum?

Of course first I looked into mining bitcoin again. What? You need an ASIC miner these days? Holy shit they cost how much? Alright, who’s number 2. When you start researching about Ethereum it’s pretty freaking cool. This thing could overtake Bitcoin someday and you can mine it with a GPU. Hey I have one of those!

The card

I have a 2070 super which I got shortly after they were released for under $500. I’ve been using it for video games and it’s great. Who knew there would be a run on GPUs and the cards worth more than I paid for it!

The Pool

I quickly learn that solo mining is a fool’s game with Ethereum, you need a pool. I went with Sparkpool simply because it was the largest. As the new guy I don’t need to be trying out the newest pool, I want stability. I also wanted to stay anonymous, turns out all you need is a deposit address. Nice

The miner

Fees to use a miner? The heck? I’m not afraid of a CLI, let’s go with the free one. I download the latest Ethminer. Now we hit the first real challenge as the example configurations were all over the place. After some trial and error I settle on a .bat that does;
ethminer.exe -P stratum1+tcp://

[[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]):3333

We’re mining!

On Sparkpool you can search by your wallet address. After ~10min, there I am. Cool! I’m mining! Change the sleep settings on Windows and I’m mining while I sleep. Now when can I get my earnings? Let’s see they pay out at 0.1 ETH….. Let’s do some math…. Yeah that’s not happening for a long time. Ahh, they pay out on the 28th of the month even if you don’t make 0.1. Just got to wait. And this is where I was for a few weeks

On to Upgrading

I’m mining, what a fun start. I’m not in a position to put together a rig though. Maybe there’s some reasonable changes I can make

The Miner

Let’s start easy, the miner. I see post on EtherMining that Phoenixminer is just the best (I’ve since read the same thing for about 3 different miners). Ok, I don’t like the idea of a fee but I have stats at Sparkpool, let’s see what it does to the average. Around this time I found the guide on EtherMining and learned about adding commands to my .bat file for etherminer or phoenixminer as well. My .bats now start with
setx GPU_FORCE_64BIT_PTR 0
setx GPU_MAX_HEAP_SIZE 100
setx GPU_USE_SYNC_OBJECTS 1
setx GPU_MAX_ALLOC_PERCENT 100
setx GPU_SINGLE_ALLOC_PERCENT 100
Turns out I do get a bit better results with Phoeixminer. Nothing amazing but it is better. And the reporting in the CMD prompt is better. I can see information on my card and hashrate. Cool!
I also finally take the time to find my electricity bill to see what I’m paying. My cost per kWh is 0.09, lucky me! Plug that into mining calculators online, I’m ok. At least I’m not losing money.

How about a 3070?

Alright, this is fun and all, but what if we can could do more. My computer has some more PCIe slots. How much could I make with a Nvidia 3xxx? Turns out betterhash let’s you know. You can plug in any card there and get a hash estimate. Turns out I could make over $100 month with a 3070. At $600 the card would pay for itself in 6 months!
….There are no freaking cards for sale. Anywhere. What the heck. How late am I too this game? And the ones that are available, they want $980 for a 3070? I look deep. I make the half hour trip to Micro Center and get told to try coming in at 8am every day and I might get lucky. Not looking good.
Finally I recall I used to order stuff from CDW at my old IT job. I hit pay dirt! They have a 3070! It’s expensive but it’s not $900. Card ordered! (Since then, they’ve been out of stock. I got lucky)

Upgrade issue #1

I need to make room for the 3070. My 2070 Super is a 3 fan and it’s long. There’s not room in the 2nd PCIe slot in my case for the long card. I end up moving everything around and break off some plastic from the hardrive cage, I got it in!
I have a 3rd PCIE, can I put a card there? Not unless it’s super thin, the power supply is right under it. Looks like I’m limited to 2 cards for now.

Upgrade issues #2

My new 3070 is extra wide (PHY uprising edition if you care). The fans literally sit on the 2070. And with both cards in there my computer is hot! My computer feels like a heater right now. Let’s google on how to deal with heat. I learn about and download MSI Afterburner. Pretty cool tool! Not only can you see the temperature you can adjust a lot of settings on your GPU. I spin up my miner and start MSI afterburner. Ok, the 2070 is doing fine, let’s see how the 3070 is doing.. 90 degrees, ok, ok. Wait it’s Celsius, holy crap! What the heck! That’s 194 degrees F! It’s gotta be that wide ass 3070 making the fans sit on the 2nd card. The cooling air it’s sucking up is coming straight from the 2070…
I switch the cards (why did I break my hardrive cage?). Now the 2070 is back in the first slot which is not ideal, I liked the idea of using the 3070 for video games.. Spin up my miner, we are doing better. Both cards are in the mid 70s Celsius. That’s fine right? Do some googling… Crap, no it’s still too hot…
Time to upgrade the fans in the computer. Another half hour trip to Micro Center, I get a 140 and 120 size fan. I also get a fan controller because I noted that I only had 1 free fan plug in on my motherboard. The fan controller ends up fitting perfectly in a hardrive slot, like it was made for it. Fortunately I overbought my PSU and I have plenty of power slots for adding one offs like a fan controller.
Alright, I’ve filled every Fan spot on my case, there are 5 fans going…. And there blowing wrong…. After redoing everything because I messed up the fan directions…. (Remember kids, air should flow front to back and heat rises) Let’s try again!
Spin up the miners…. I’m under 70 degrees Celsius! Progress, progress. But high 60’s is still in the danger zone. Here is where I find some nice post in EtherMining on MSI afterburner settings. Raising my fan speed to almost 80, cutting my power to somewhere in the 70s, raising the memory clock to +500. Now I’m at 63 c! And my hash rate went up as a bonus!

Here I am and where I’m going

If you’ve made it this far, it’s been a learning journey for me. There are some things I can still do better at but I think I have the basics of Ethermining down. I’m happy with where I’ve gotten. I’ve also learned a ton about crypto currency.
Going forward, I might change from Sparkpool but I’m still on the fence. From EtherMining I know everyone and their mother is going to Flexpool. But I’m a small player (~100 MH/s) and waiting for 0.2 ETH for payout would take a long time which is risk. And I’m not sure what the PPLNs type plan would net me.
I’m also considering using the address for my ledger for my proceeds. It’s going to go there anyway and I would like to avoid fees from moving my coin around. I know ledger cautions about large amounts of small transactions but with a pool the payout is only once a month so I don’t think it applies. If the ledger can’t handle 12 deposits a year then I need to find something else anyway.
You know, I might have gone big but with staking being the future of Ethereum, the rising difficulty level of mining, not really having a place to put a rig or honestly the funds for one, I think I’m going to stay a small player and just see if I can eventually pay back this 3070 I bought. In the end it’s been a ton of fun and added excitement to the monotony of being quarantined to a house all day. Thank you for the forum post and the new hobby!
Were you entertained? You can always send things to 0xAD0cd237BDE28AF4Dc4E0D913285e74217384e29 (worth a shot)

Hi everyone,
This is my first post so bare with me. It may be long so don’t feel compelled to read it.
I am 26 years old and in the midst of the Pandemic, I have been working from home since March. Before September, I would never have thought of myself having a gambling addiction. I remember being on a cruise when I turned 21 and put $20 in a slot machine and lost it and was so angry and disappointed in myself.
Then in September I kept seeing this ad on Instagram for an online casino. One day I succumbed and decided to sign-up because they had a $30 signup offer. I thought, ‘Hey what’s the harm?’ I wish I could go back and slap myself and say don’t do it.
I play through the free $30 and won $500. My whole body felt electrified. That went away when I realized there were wagering requirements (I have never been in/involved with casinos so I had no idea). By the time I met the wagering requirement, I had $75 of withdrawalable money. Still excited I made $75 for free I went to withdrawal, but found out the minimum withdrawal amount is $100. So I kept playing and eventually lost it. I wish I learned my lesson that this will be the reality most of the time.
For a bit of background, before this I was in a decent financial state. Pretty good job for someone my age, lived alone in a nice apartment, had some credit card debt, but overall manageable. I have some mental health problems (Bipolar and anxiety disorders) but received treatment and relatively stable compared to my early 20s.
As the days went on I couldn’t stop thinking about seeing that ‘big win’ flashing on my screen and kept thinking to myself, ‘that $500 could have been mine if I didn’t have that $30 bonus’. So, I decided to deposit $20 and bet low on the same game and won nothing. I felt sick like I did on the cruise.
This particular online casino gives you $1 every day, so for the next week I just played but $1 and won some, but not enough to withdrawal. About a week later, I got an email from the casino saying if I deposit $50, I’ll get an extra $50 with no wagering requirement. The thought of depositing $50 was crazy to me so I just deleted the email and continued with my free $1 a day. After about a week of that, I get another email, deposit $50 play with $200. I scoured the fine print and I only had to play through the extra $150 once, then any winnings I can withdrawal. I still hesitated until Friday night where I had a couple drinks and decided to go for it. Back then, I would say this was one of the most fun nights of my life. I kept landing the ‘fireshot’ feature and winning mini and minor jackpots. At the end of the night I won $1200 USD (I’m from Canada so it would be about $1500 CAD).
My body was so full of excitement I could barely hit the withdrawal button. When I did, I found out they had to verify my account and I had to send in the required documents. After I researched if this was standard for online casinos and researching this casino, I sent in my documents. I went to bed happy, and already had plans on what I was going to buy/pay off with this win. Unfortunately I was too excited to sleep. So I log back in and miraculously (at least to me back then), my $1200 was still there, and playable. So I thought why not play a few more rounds with a higher bet to get an even bigger win? Big mistake. By 3:00am, I was down to $100. I forced myself to stop so I could still withdrawal something. After about a week or two, I resisted playing/betting more and when I logged into my online banking and saw the $120 deposited, I think that’s when my addiction started.
I was no longer satisfied with my free $1 everyday. I started just depositing $20 here and there. On my lunch break or in the evening when I was bored. Then $20 turned into $50 and $50 to $100. After maxing my credit card with no significant wins, I decided enough was enough. And stopped for the rest of September.
Most likely because I had researched so much about online casinos, I had more ads than ever tempting me. One night again after a few drinks, I joined a different online casino. This one was completely different, with better games, a level up feature where you get to spin a wheel after each level and win free spins, cash back or free money, I was hooked again. I put in $50 and lost and was completely broke. So I patiently counted down the days until I got paid. I also sold about $500 worth of video games/consoles I didn’t want to sell, but did to have more money to gamble with.
On payday, I set an alarm for 4:00am when my pay is deposited. This was the first real sign to myself I may be becoming obsessed, but brushed it off. I deposited $100 and won $200. Same story, I had to verify my account but this was done within hours, and I got my money in two days VS a week and a half with my first casino. Stupidly, I put the $200 back in and lost it. I was back to being broke after only two days of getting paid. By the weekend, my credit card payment posted and in my eyes, I had money again.
That night I won most of what I lost back and learned my lesson and withdrew it. When I saw that sum deposited into my bank account, I was ecstatic. I first paid off my credit card I was using to make the deposits, and went out and bought AirPods Pro. I felt rich (even though the win was less than $1000). That evening I wanted to play again, but I had no money. This was the night I learned I could cancel a bill payment within 24 hours. Which I did. And played through all my winnings. Words can’t describe how disappointed I was in myself. I was broke. Credit card maxed. And the only thing I had to show for it were the AirPods. The next day I tried returning them but they wouldn’t accept the return because of their return policy on headphones. I vowed to myself to never gamble again, wrote a note in my phone describing what I was feeling so I could read it if I was ever tempted. That week I fell into a depressive episode. I couldn’t afford groceries, lied to friends and family for not spending time with them because I feared they would want to order food, I didn’t want to admit what happened, so I isolated myself.
That week was what I thought was the hardest. I just stayed in bed signing up to every casino out there for free spins no deposit sign ups to try to fill the void but you never actually win anything on no deposit spins. Finally, my good friend asked what is going on and I immediately bursted into tears and told her I was broke, and my credit card maxed. We work at the same job, and long story short, are both getting $5000 in retro pay because of a expired union contract. She told me she would lend me $5000 now, and I would give her my retro money when we get it in February. This was one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. Reluctantly, I decided to accept this kindness and we worked out a budget on how I would not let this happen again. Here’s the thing, and I will never forgive myself for, I didn’t tell her all this happened because of gambling. I was too ashamed and embarrassed.
Life was somewhat normal again for a couple weeks until one night I decide to just put in $100 and see if I can win some of what I now owed my friend back. After $500 lost, those same feelings came back, but worse since I felt I betrayed my friend’s kindness, and that this isn’t the first time this happened.
Fast forward to November - I won again (not nearly enough to recover my losses), paid my credit card and cancelled the payment, lost it all again. Then towards the end of November, my $1000 for rent sitting in my savings account kept calling my name. I have never ever been in a position where I would risk not affording rent, but my addiction was stronger and I lost $500 of it. I had about a week until my rent was due, I had nowhere to turn, I couldn’t ask my friend for a loan because in her mind, and from the few times she asked, I was sticking to my budget. My new way of handling stress was gambling, so I put another $100 in and won $600. I was saved and again vowed myself to never put myself into this position again and ‘quit’.
Now it is December, I guess this is my rock bottom. Not nearly as bad as some people’s, but here it is. I took out another credit card for ‘emergencies’ since my main one is maxed. I was good, and didn’t use it except to buy a few groceries which I swore I would pay off on payday. My mental health declined, and I deposited $100 and lost it. Then another $100. Lost it. Made another ‘promise’ to myself to stop and I did until last night. I now owe $1,000 on the new credit card, and my main one is now in a negative balance because of a subscription.
I am a liar, I take advantage of people’s kindness that I didn’t deserve in the first place, and now in more credit card debt than I know how to deal with. All I can wish for is I’ve learned my lesson. That the money I lost I will never get back, and to find some way to fill the void gambling has left in my life. After only the first day, I don’t know what will give me that feeling of excitement, the feeling of being alive. I had all my casino accounts deleted this morning, but I know there are more out there, I just really hope I can stop myself from ever going back on this path.
If you made it this far thank you for reading. If you have any suggestions on what I can do to not relapse, and any hobbies or activities that can fill the void please let me know.

Background
I qualified as a solicitor two years ago and was poorly paid at my last firm. I had poor grades and poorer prospects of ever qualifying, so I racked up a lot of debt trying to keep my foot in the door by taking unpaid internships. I quit my last job and joined the civil service in early 2020 as a lawyer. I have a mountain of debt from my LPC which I’m still paying off five years later. I was recently lent money on flexible terms by a family member so that I could increase my deposit on my flat to get a better mortgage interest rate.
Assets and Debt:
Retirement Balance: approx. £5,000 in a defined contribution pension. Approx. £8,500 in a defined benefit (civil service) pension.
Home equity: approx. £25,000 equity in my small London flat, although I haven’t had it valued since Covid hit.
Investment account balance: £220 (that’s embarrassing!)
Checking account: approx. £1,000 held across various accounts
Savings: £4,796 in an easy-access, high interest savings account.
Credit card debt: £2,990 on a 0% card
Student loan debt: Government student loan balance is something like £55,000 – I don’t really know. Also see “other debt” for postgrad debt.
Other debt: approx. £25,000. This is a combination of postgrad debt and funds for the deposit on my flat. I have a complicated arrangement but the result is that I pay back £800 per month to a family member.
Income:
Main job monthly take home: approx. £2,500. I pay the bills from this and then transfer what’s remaining into my joint bank account with my boyfriend, J.
J’s monthly take home: £1,750 of which he usually puts around £1,300 or so in our joint account.
Salary story
2012-2015: University. Unpaid summer internships at local law firms.
2015-2016: University and postgrad. Expenses only one day per week job at a London law firm.
2016-2017: Minimum wage job at London law firm, around £12,500.
Mid 2017: Training contract at London law firm. £20,000.
2018: Pay rise in second year of training contract. £25,000.
Mid 2019: Qualified as a solicitor. £35,000 starting salary.
Early 2020: Moved to my current job. Approx. £43,000.
Early 2021: expected pay rise to £51,500.
Expenses:
Mortgage and service charge: £930
Savings: I’m not actively saving at the moment because I’m focusing on debt.
Utilities (inc. Council Tax) : £220
Phone: £40 (J pays his separately)
Pet: We have two kittens and pay approx. £70 per month for pet food and litter.
Insurances: for life (J), income protection (me), contents, pet, specialist bike (J) and car insurance, we pay approx. £150 per month in total.
Car: we pay £780 per annum for a parking space (£65 per month), £15 per month for road tax and around £100 per month for petrol (gasoline) costs. J is handy with cars and does most of the upkeep and repairs. We got the car (a 2005 Renault) for free from a family member and it’s worth about £150. I was initially against having a car because the public transport in London is so good, but it’s been a godsend during Coronavirus times.
Other: J is doing evening classes for a postgraduate law qualification. We pay his tuition out of our joint funds. £300 per month.
Wednesday
I’m on annual leave, it’s J’s birthday and it’s payday. Hooray! I’ve ordered a birthday cake for him from a local patisserie. It’s run by a lovely lady who trained at Le Cordon Bleu. I love oohing and ahhing over all her cakes so I’m pretty excited. She delivers the cake at 8am and I transfer the money to her - £22.50.
J wants a pair of Dr Martens for his birthday so we go to the store in central London. £98.
We go out for cocktails and steak. Everything is delicious and we have a few too many drinks. We’re strangely impressed with the hand wash and try to ask the maitre d for the brand, but she won’t tell us. Mysterious. The bill comes to £145 including tip.
Total: £265.50
Thursday
We’re woken up at 3am by our two kittens running around and play fighting. They used to sleep through the night but have recently stopped and it’s been dreadful for our sleep patterns. Groggily shut them out of the bedroom and go back to sleep, trying to ignore the frantic meowing for the rest of the night.
We moved to the area back in March, just before lockdown, so we haven’t properly been able to explore the area. Since we’re both on annual leave for the rest of the week, we decide to go exploring. We find a lovely, eclectic local bookshop and spend an hour chatting with the owner. I pick up a book (The Silk Roads) for £12.99.
I bought groceries last week and still have some ingredients left, so I make Dishoom’s Chicken Ruby with white rice. I also run to the shop to pick up some naans, some Diet Coke, natural yoghurt and orange juice. £14.11
My friend, G, comes over in the evening for a catch up. We have a socially distanced meal of the curry I cooked earlier, drink prosecco and convince J to make us espresso martinis. I feel extremely tired so make my excuses and G leaves by 10.
Total: £27.10
Friday
We’re spending the day decluttering. Even though we’ve only lived here for 6 months, we’ve accumulated so much stuff. I go through my clothes and pull out things that have worn out or that I don’t wear anymore. I strip off any buttons and zips and make rags out of the fabric.
For dinner, I cook a full roast. Roast beef, roast potatoes, homemade Yorkshire puddings, homemade gravy, roast vegetables and cauliflower cheese. I make far too much and realise we’ll be eating it for a few days.
I develop a slight cough and J panics even though I tell him I don’t think it’s a continuous cough. We go through the Covid app which tells us to get tested and to self-isolate. Great. I text G to warn her.
Almost as soon as I book a test, my cough stops and I have no other symptoms…typical.
Total: £0
Saturday
We get up early to go for our tests. We walk to the test centre, which takes about 20 minutes. 10 minutes later, I’m swabbed and sent back home.
We’d planned to go to the Lake District at the weekend but self-isolate at home instead, playing video games and eating leftover roast dinner.
I commission a portrait of J’s grandma’s dog from Etsy. She’s asked for it for Christmas. £59. This is quite an expensive gift for her since we usually get her a bottle of wine and a card, but she’s recently stopped drinking and has had a rough year. She split up with her long term partner, has been feeling lonely and her dog is getting old, so we wanted to get her something nice this year.
Total: £59
Sunday
The kittens wake me up at 2.30am and I can’t get back to sleep. J wakes up too. We sit in bed playing on my phone until it’s about time to get up (7am or so) and then promptly fall asleep. Typical.
Wake up at 11.30am and realise we have nothing to do. We play more video games and eat more leftover roast dinner.
I spend £4.99 in microtransactions on my game.
Total: £4.99
Monday
Back to work. I’ve been wfh because of Covid and J usually has to work in the office but he’s also wfh today because we’re self isolating.
I log on at around 8.45am. I’ve been dreading the sight of my inbox after a week off but am pleasantly surprised that it’s actually not that bad. I have a minor debate with a colleague about whose job it is to do certain work, but otherwise there’s no drama or excitement, I haven’t been fired and the place hasn’t burned down. I call that a win.
We have the last dregs of roast dinner with some steamed broccoli for lunch. I don’t think I can ever eat roast beef again.
Finish work early at 4.45pm and decide to have a long bath. J has remote evening classes and I don’t feel like cooking so we order in. £20.
At around 9pm, I start making Dishoom’s black dal with ingredients we had in the cupboard and leave it to cook overnight. We also try to make an online grocery order but there’s no delivery slots for weeks – it’s toiletpapergate all over again. Hope that we get a test result soon so that we can go back outside, we’re running low on food!
Total: £20
Tuesday
Wake up to an email with my test result and it’s negative. J’s result is also negative. Hooray! I text G to let her know and J decides to work from home for one last day before going back to the office tomorrow. I still haven’t gotten back into work mode after our week off, and my week will be fairly quiet by design because I bashed out as much work as possible before going on leave, so I log on late at 9.30.
I spend the entire morning in meetings and have a splitting headache by 11am. We have the black dal for lunch.
I struggle to concentrate all afternoon but manage to tick a few things off my list. The only things I have left are extremely complex, novel issues that I have to spend a lot of thought on, so that doesn’t help with my headache.
Log off at 5.30. We have freezer food (leftover roast pork belly with rice) for dinner. Since we’ve got the all-clear on covid, we go grocery shopping. I have a list but we realise we’ve run out of most of our household things and pantry staples. J also sneaks in a bottle of whiskey. The bill comes to £120 and should last us 2-3 weeks. Since I’ve been working from home, our grocery bill has sky-rocketed. We also put £20 of petrol in the tank.
J finds a waterproof coat on sale and it’s a great offer. He desperately needs one since cycles to work, so I encourage him to buy it. £37.08.
Total: £177.08
Weekly total: £553.67
Reflections
This was a particularly expensive week because it was J’s birthday. However, I do tend to spend far too much money considering my financial status.
I’m a child of immigrants and we never had much money when growing up. Whatever money we did have, my parents would usually end up spending, including any birthday or Christmas money that I saved. I struggle deeply with saving money and am trying to get out of the mindset of “spend it now or someone else will”. I have a huge amount of debt but I'm aiming to finish paying off it by the end of 2021 by increasing payments once I get my pay rise next year. I also realised how little exercise I did this week. My two hobbies are rock climbing and yoga. I can’t climb right now because of Covid and haven’t been able to go to yoga classes. I can practise at home but honestly, I still haven’t got into the swing of things since Covid hit.

As standard – apologies for the length! I’ve found it quite a cathartic experience, and I seem to have managed to merge elements of the reddit, US and UK R29 templates so please feel free to skip over any boring sections!
Background:
I’m British, working for a British Company in the US on a three-year posting (one year in). My salary is actually £33,000 but due to the increased cost of living here, I get an additional £10,000 allowance for living costs, and my rent/utilities are paid directly by my company. This puts my equivalent salary at $93,000.
I’m aware this is an incredibly fortunate position to be in, especially with COVID, however when I return to the UK, I will be paid my UK salary only, so this is a short-term benefit.
The company can split my pay between my UK and US accounts, and currently 95%ish of it is going to my UK account. This % split was only set up after lockdown as we are currently spending much less on travel/socialising here so are taking the opportunity to focus on building our UK savings. My husband, J, was fortunate enough to get local employment when he arrived in country. He earns an additional $46,000 net which we live on.
For ease/consistency, I have converted all costs at 1.3 as this is roughly the average conversion since I’ve lived here – I will write UK next to any cost/savings that are based in the UK.
Section One: Assets and Debt
J and I (now) combine all our finances, so except for my pension pot, and a small F* Off Fund (FoF - we have one each), everything else is split 50/50. This will likely change when we go back to the UK as we’ll have better access to our own bank accounts.
My personal Net Worth is $72,400
Retirement Balance
UK $104,000
I’ve contributed to work pension schemes since I started working full time age 18. This has been set at around 5% since I joined my current employer 7 years ago, and they contribute around 27%. I’m actually guaranteed £4,000 per year once I retire for as long as I live so have multiplied this by 20 on the assumption the retirement age actually stays at 68 and I make it to my late 80’s. This amount will increase over the years with inflation and as I contribute further to it. I can choose to retire earlier, plus take up to a 25% tax free lump sum on retirement, but that will affect the annual pay-out amount.
Equity
UK $52,000 equity, $157,300 left on the mortgage
J and I bought ($197,600) with just over a 10% ($20,000) deposit 3 years ago aged 24 and contributed half each. I managed to save this as I was living at home until we bought, and J got a help to buy loan through his previous workplace. He’s since cleared this.
Savings account balance
$29,700 made up of:
US $6,700 for fun money here (currently planned for another car – we’ll sell our existing one)
UK $6,500 in premium bonds as my FoF, $13,800 in our joint savings account to upsize when we get back to the UK, $2,600 in one of my side saving accounts as a potential future maternity pot. This is joint but kept in a separate account from the house savings.
Around $22,000 of this has been saved since the beginning of lockdown
Checking account balance
US $120 (+ $1,190 in checking, -$1,070 on AMEX). All our savings accounts are easy access, so we try to keep the balance as low as possible and tend to spend the full amount each month. [We end the week with this back up to $1,559]
UK $660
Credit card debt (and how you accumulated it)
0 – we use our AMEX for our everyday spending, so I’ve included it in our checking account as we usually pay it off each week and use it in place of our checking account. J had CC/loan debt in the UK from the house deposit and wedding which he cleared down before we moved out here.
Student loan debt (for what degree)
0 - neither of us went to University
Anything else that's applicable to you
We paid outright for a second-hand car that is worth around $6,000
Section Two: Income & Further Background
Income Progression:
I started at my current company 7 years ago working as a personal assistant and started on $24,000. I stayed in this role for 2.5 years before promoting into a finance role and onto $31,000. After a year I was temporarily promoted (with pay rise) within my team to a higher finance role and after a further 6 months was permanently promoted into the role and onto $35,750. There’s usually an annual pay rise of around 2%, which I’ve received between each promotion, but as this last promotion pay rise wasn’t as high as usual, my last few annual pay rises have been higher to bring me to my now salary of $43,290. I’ve spent the last three years at the same level, but have changed teams to gain more experience which will be needed for the next promotion which I’ll hopefully be able to get when I return to the UK – this will take me over the $50,000 mark.
Main Job Monthly Take Home:
UK – I get paid once a month, receiving $3,783 after tax, national insurance and pension contributions. This also includes the extra living allowance. $3,510 is paid into my UK account, $273 is paid into the US
US – J gets paid fortnightly, and earns a net salary of $3,546 per month (assuming 2 pay periods per month)
Any Other Monthly Income Here
UK - We receive around $598 per month from tenants in our house in the UK. The letting agents take all management and admin fees directly from the rent before we get paid. This amount can be less if any work needs doing on the property, but again the letting agent will pay directly and just transfer us a reduced amount. We also have to pay tax on any rent received and still need to pay last year’s bill, but we haven’t calculated it yet.
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?:
Not from family. My parents don’t have degrees, and whilst they supported my siblings going, it was our own personal choice. If we didn’t go, we were expected to work full time.
My school did expect me to go. I was in the last school year before UK University tuition went up, so the only advise they could give was to go now as you won’t be able to afford it in the future. I had a place to study events management but turned it down a week before the deadline. Bar sometimes feeling like I missed out on the University life experience (aka. freshers week), I have zero regrets not going.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
My siblings and I were always encouraged to save including contributing to pensions when we started working, and prioritise this and bills over spending our money, but conversations didn’t go much further than that.
What was your first job and why did you get it?:
Weekly paper round from age 12 to 16 which gave me $10 a week to pay for my phone credit and to build savings. I started working part-time in a supermarket from age 16 earning around $250 a month, but this was mainly spent shopping and in the pub!
Did you worry about money growing up?:
No – my parents operated on a “what we do for one, we do for all”, so with a house of five kids, we certainly weren’t living the life of luxury, but we never went without, and it encouraged me to earn some of my own money from an early age.
Do you worry about money now?:
No, J and I are in a really good position and try to make sensible decisions so that we can still cope if our circumstances change.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?:
Fully when I bought the house and moved out age 24, although I obviously gained the support from J. I’ve always had to use my own money for wants and non-essentials (phone bill, own laptop, “fun” clothes). I was given a few years grace on rent as my parents helped my siblings at Uni, but this stopped when I turned 21. I’ve always bought my own cars/insurance and would contribute to the household, including buying some food and replacing furniture in my room.
Our parents continue to support us anyway they can, which included letting J and I move back in rent free last year whilst we were replacing our kitchen.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income?:
My dad saved around $1,200 from when I was a child which I received aged 18 – this went into savings and then towards my first car and laser eye surgery.
My brothers and I also received $1,950 each from a great aunt when she died, which was a complete surprise (the will was contested so this was several years later). Our much younger half-brother didn’t receive anything, so we split this equally with him. The money left went towards mine and J’s wedding and we also received around $5000 additional from various family members towards our wedding and honeymoon. This was also not expected, and we budgeted not to receive anything, but this was a bonus and it relieved some of the pressure on us to save.
Section Three: Expenses
UK – I auto-transfer $1,170 across various accounts to pay for our UK bills. J & I both kept some bills in our own names to try to maintain our individual UK credit scores as well as our joint one. J’s parents are also looking after our two cats whilst we’re in the US, so we transfer them some money. We’ve discovered our UK entertainment subscriptions work over here so we haven’t cancelled them and pay them from the UK accounts, which is a benefit as they’re usually cheaper.
$910 to our joint account to cover – Mortgage ($986 – includes $130 monthly overpayment), Landlord Insurance ($32), Pet Insurance ($45), our life insurance ($22 – it pains me that the cats cost twice as much as we do. Obviously, they don’t have the NHS covering their medical costs, but they also don’t have a mortgage to pay off….), J’s UK phone bill ($35) – he’s still tied into his contract. The rent income comes into this account so that covers any delta and builds a pot to pay the tax bill. It works out at around $388 per month saved for this. We also pay around ($150) annually to cover IT costs including Microsoft office, McAfee Security and Dropbox storage.
$143 to my bills account to cover – my UK phone bill ($23), a second UK phone bill that I need to cancel as they wouldn’t transfer my existing number to them ($6), Trade Union membership ($19), Netflix ($12), Annual magazine subscription ($19). Any money left over for is for UK online orders and so we have money available when we visit home.
$65 to J’s account to cover – Amazon Prime ($10), Spotify ($20), Audible ($15) and annual Xbox Live ($50)
$52 to J’s parents for the cats.
UK Savings – we have $2,340 to split across the savings. The split varies each month, but as I’ve hit my FoF goal the focus will be on getting J’s to the goal amount and then joint savings.
US – TV, WiFi and Hulu ($131), Phone Bills ($167), Car Insurance ($110), Naked Wines ($40), HelloFresh ($523), Annual Renters Insurance ($152). We currently get Disney+ free with our phones, but this will end soon, and I expect we’ll start paying for it as well.
US Savings – I usually transfer between $500-$1,000 into savings when J gets paid but will vary this based on how much we have left in the checking account from his last pay and what bills are due. We’ll also raid this as needed for big purchases or if we’re running low in on cash in the checking account.
​
Day 1 – Saturday
0900 – I’ve been waking up on and off for a few hours, but the alarm has gone off, so I drag myself out of bed. J and I are booked into a second-hand book sale from between 11 and 12 so we need to actually get out of the house this morning. I tidy up a bit, have a shower and miss a call from my mum whilst I’m in there. I check J is up before calling her back and have a good catch up with her and my Nan.
1115 – We’re a little later than planned, but we make it to the sale. I picked the second slot so that there would still be a good selection of books available and am pleasantly surprised by the amount and overall COVID set up. We spend almost an hour browsing and come away with 15 books between us. $60.01
1210 – We left the apartment without eating breakfast, but there’s a restaurant open next to the sale that we haven’t tried before so we pop in and have a burger each. Discover there’s a cocktail bar underneath and make note to head back and try that soon. $41.92
1600 – J has spent the afternoon building Ikea furniture we bought last week and hiding in the bedroom watching YouTube videos whilst I clean, watch The Haunting of Hill House and drink copious amounts of tea. We bought our car in a bit of a rush when we arrived and to replace his Rightmove house obsession, J spends a lot of his time looking at cars available here. Last week he found an American muscle car that looks in good shape and isn’t extortionate, so in his argument to “buy American, eat American, drive American” whilst we’re here, he’s arranged a visit check it out and test drive it. We’re meant to be there at half past, but we had the wrong address and there’s been an accident so it’s actually an hour’s drive, and we don’t get there until 1715 - Oops. I do not want to like the car, but I’m honestly sold – I knew our current car wasn’t the best, and planned to cope with it for the three years, but this is such an improvement and feels like a fun car to drive on road trips. We arrange to come back next week to buy the car and head back home. Thankfully, the traffic has cleared so it only takes 40mins. We while away the journey by listening to an episode of My Dad Wrote a Porno.
1830 – We stop by Giant to pick up some essentials (loo roll, seltzer, beer, milk) and food for the rest of the weekend. $103.25. I cook pork chops, roast potatoes, asparagus and gravy for dinner, and we spend the evening chilling in front of Netflix with wine before heading to bed at midnight.
Daily total: $205.18
Day 2 – Sunday
0830 – I wake up and sneak out of bed without disturbing J, make myself a cup of tea and settle down to finish off The Haunting of Hill House. J hates scary shows/films, so I try to watch things before he’s up, but he still needs to be in the house otherwise my imagination will go wild. The show finishes and I hear no sign of movement, so I make another cup of tea and discover The Princess Diaries 2 is on freeform so obviously I watch this.
1100 – J gets up and makes us scrambled eggs and smoked salmon for brunch. There was meant to be a bread roll with this, but according to J it had gone off. Silently complain that I didn’t pick up some bagels whilst we were shopping last night. We stick The Office on in the background and binge far too much of it whilst I multitask and convert our savings/bills spreadsheet into $ for the intro to this.
1630 – I had grand plans to spend the day cleaning and assumed J’s mum would do her weekly skype call with us at 3, neither of which has happened, and I only realise this now. I suggest we message some friends to see if they fancy an afternoon pick-me-up, but they are hanging from last night, and I remember I’m doing interviews in the morning so probably not the smartest move. I have a shower, wash and sort my hair out to save time in the morning.
1800 – I get an email reminding me that I have items in my basket on an online order and that they’ve given me 15% off. Seems rude not complete it – J has a quick browse to see if there’s anything he likes but nothing takes his fancy. So it’s just non-wired bras for me and a very cute bee print quilt set. It’s a UK based store so I pay using my UK bank account. $123
1900 – J cooks dinner tonight, a HelloFresh recipe for firecracker meatballs with rice. We stick The Office on in the background, finish the rest of last nights wine and the entire series, getting to bed at half 11.
Daily total: $123
Day 3 – Monday
0630 – Alarm goes off. Ugh. It disturbs J, so I apologise for waking him, hit snooze and repeat 5 minutes later. Rather than getting straight up, I waste half an hour browsing Facebook before washing and getting ready. As an attempt to look semi presentable, I put actual work clothes on, straighten my hair and put on some mascara and powder.
0755 – I make it onto the laptop and do some prep before the interviews. Checking my emails, I spot that I’ve been paid my US pay today. The annual pay rise has come through and there’s a small backdate from last months pay, so I have an additional $127 this month. I clear a few more emails and make a cup of tea before starting the interviews.
1215 – Interviews are done, and as a panel we have discussed and come to a decision. We all need to type up our outcomes for HR, but I take a lunch break before my brain melts. J heats up leftover meatballs and rice from last night and we watch an episode of The Good Place whilst we eat. J’s heading into the office this afternoon so I tidy up, stick the dishwasher on and faff about on reddit before getting back to work at 1. Go straight back into a call with my Line Manager to touch base before he goes on leave – he lets me know he put me forward (and I have been approved) for a bonus for my efforts since joining last year, and the added COVID response. I’m touched and proceed to spend a while mentally spending it. I’m debating between a pair of Louboutin’s and a spin bike…. Slightly different ends of the spectrum I know. Keen to hear any inspiration! It should be around $1000 after tax so reasonably substantial.
1630 – J comes home and attempts to get in, but I appear to have locked him out. I get up, open the door and see that he comes baring this week’s HelloFresh box, which is a relief as I hadn’t seen any delivery emails (we had a few go missing in our apartment block when we started). I have a small break to see how his afternoon has been and reply to some messages with friends about possible Halloween costumes for a small gathering we’re going to. We jokingly consider a group The Office effort, which results in numerous gifs being shared. In a moment of inspiration, J passes me his shirt, tie and blazer to put on… turns out I’m a pretty convincing Sexy Toby. I get changed back into my own clothes and head back to work for a bit.
1930 – J finished work earlier so cooked again. Tonight’s is a HF spicy shrimp pasta. It’s a bit disappointing even with him adding extras from the cupboard. We eat and watch the Umbrella Academy before heading to bed at 11.
Daily total: $0
Day 4 – Tuesday
0730 – alarm goes off, get up, washed, dressed. No interviews today so back to COVID home working uniform of no make-up and trackies. Make a cup of tea and am at my desk for 0830 – in and out of meetings until 10 and spend the rest of the morning trying to catch up on my inbox. J’s headed into the office, so I take the opportunity to listen to the Hamilton soundtrack as I work. Get through the first track before admitting defeat that despite my amazing multitasking skills, I can’t actually sing along and type coherent emails. Settle for the LOTR soundtrack instead.
1215 – make it to lunch and reheat last night’s leftovers (we order HelloFresh for four people for the leftovers, as before we were just ordering in lunch every day). Realise I haven’t physically left the flat for longer than I care to admit, so take my lunch onto the balcony and eat it whilst reading through a money diary on reddit. Remember I have a meeting at 1, so sign back in ten mins before and read through the emails in a vague attempt to sound prepared.
J buys himself and his boss lunch in the office, but his boss will pay him back so $12.17
1900 – long afternoon, managed to start nothing on my actual to-do-list, so feel like I haven’t achieved anything. Yay. J got home half an hour ago (I didn’t lock him out today!) and switched the oven on as he walked past, so I take the opportunity to get up and cook once it’s done preheating. Pork tenderloin with coleslaw and mash tonight. It comes with a cherry jam sauce which I’m not the biggest fan of, so I make it into a fruity gravy. It takes longer to cook than I planned, and I can feel myself getting more and more annoyed with everything from a general mix of feeling stressed and hangry. J sticks toy story 4 on as we eat which doesn’t help my mood (as let’s face it, it’s the worst one). Our friends message asking if we’re watching the debates – J had planned to but had forgotten so quickly changes over to watch it. I have no words.
We make plans to watch the next debate in a group with alcohol, debate bingo and the next day booked off work to recover.
Head to bed at 1120 – still waste time on Facebook despite being shattered.
Daily total: $12.17
Day 5 – Wednesday
0830 – Alarm goes off. I didn’t get to sleep up until 12.30 and J disturbed me at 1.30 when he came to bed so extra sleep was needed. I check my phone, message my stepsister a happy birthday and stick on my dressing gown to make sure I’m online for my 9am meeting. Thankfully, no one has an update, so the meeting is cancelled, and I have time to shower and put clothes on before I properly start work.
1230 – Lunchtime. I have the remaining shrimp pasta and J makes a BBQ chicken sandwich with other leftovers in the fridge and we stick on another episode of The Good Place whilst we eat. We finish up, work for an hour and then drive into the office. J needs to stay in for a while, but I’m only in to sign a cheque so I take the opportunity to walk back home. It’s a glorious sunny day, but with a nice breeze so it’s an enjoyable walk until I’m almost back at the flat and have to walk up a hill and then 5 flights of stairs. It’s a fast reminder of just how unfit I am, and I have to have a quick lie down to recovecool down before getting back to work.
1730 – J and I have plans to meet up with our friends K and J(.2) tonight. In an act of attempting to keep some form of sanity, J and J.2 are heading out to a bar for a “Gentleman’s Club” and I’m heading round to K & J.2’s flat for wine and chick flicks. J gets home from work, kisses me hi and bye and heads straight back out. K’s getting her hair cut, so I continue working until half 6 before walking up to her apartment. I make a pit stop on route to pick up a bottle of white wine as she’s running low. The card machines are down so it’s cash only – I have a mild panic, but thankfully I find some notes in my purse - although I’m pretty sure I withdrew them pre-lockdown! $17
0200 – After a night of homemade mac’n’cheese, wine, films and putting the world to rights, I get ready to head home just as J.2 stumbles back into the flat. It’s lovely to see him, but the state he’s in makes me a bit concerned about what J is going to be like when I get home. Thankfully, when I make it back and he’s already curled up on his own side of the bed, passed out and lightly snoring away. I take off my makeup, do my teeth, get into bed and fall straight asleep.
*I’ve checked the banking app and J spent $50.50 on food and drink. The “club” made their way to our apartment around 9pm and worked their way through our booze which explains the low spend but high drunkenness.
Daily total: $67.50
Day 6 – Thursday
0700 – J’s alarm goes off. He rarely sets alarms and has an amazing ability to sleep though them, so I kick him awake to switch it off. He hits snooze rather than switching it off, so I wake up again 5mins later. Ugh. He actually manages to switch it off the second time.
0830 – My alarm goes off. I’m tired and thirsty, but other than that feeling pretty ok. J is not and I leave him snoozing in bed as I start work. It’s a slow morning (thankfully) and I periodically check on J to see if he’s feeling any better. General consensus is no. The leftovers in the house are not hangover friendly so we put in an order with Panera Bread. $32.25. J has a choose two, but I brought home some mac’n’cheese from last night so just order some crisps and a smoothie to go with it. It takes longer than expected to arrive, but it means a 1230 lunch in front of The Good Place. We finish and go back to work, J heads into the office again.
1400 – I’ve struggled to get back into the swing of things, and as there haven’t been too many emails coming in I take the opportunity to have a break and lie down on the bed (I work flexi hours and have a very high balance so this is done guilt-free). This lie down turns into an hour-long nap and I wake up feeling better, but still while away some time on reddit before deciding to make it back to work at 4.
1920 – J messaged to say he’s on his way back and I’ve already heated the oven, so I finish for the night and start making dinner. Tonight’s HF menu is a creamy lemon butter chicken with courgette and giant couscous. It’s reasonably simple to make, but one of our favourites. I multitask and clean down the kitchen as I go.
2000 – Dinner is eaten, J has made us a cup of tea and we’re settled back into The Good Place. Yesterday was payday into my UK account so I log into the internet banking and transfer to the savings accounts (the bill transfers are set up to auto-transfer on the 1st). $1,170 to J’s savings so he’s now at his FoF goal, $650 to the maternity pot, and $780 to the joint savings. The annual renter’s insurance has also come out of our US checking account today, but that’s counted in the expenses. We both head to bed at 11.
Daily total: $32.25
Day 7 – Friday
0730 – J’s alarm goes off, he’s heading back into the office this morning so it’s valid today and we both actually wake up for it. We both chill on our phones until my alarm goes off at 0830. Up, washed, dressed and on the laptop in time for my 9am meeting. I’m closing off last months accounts and updating forecasts so get stuck into multiple spreadsheets.
1440 – I’d gotten into a good rhythm with the updates, and without J here, I hadn’t realised the time, so I only stop now for lunch. It’s last nights leftovers so couscous and chicken, plus an apple left over from J’s Panera order yesterday. J didn’t take anything in so has stopped by Safeway $14.13 and the work café $9.48. I get the figures from the banking app and realise J has been paid – win. I have an hour break and head back online.
2020 – I’ve been in the swing of things today. It’s a long winded, but simple task so I’ve had Greys Anatomy on in the background as I work. I’d normally have left some of it until Monday, but I have a few urgent requests in today that need the updated figures so it made sense to get it all cleared – it’s also quite therapeutic so feels like a nice way to end the week . J and I have plans to see friends tomorrow, so I don’t feel too bad about not having plans for a Friday night and working for most of it instead. Still, we make the most of it being payday and order in some Steak Frites for dinner and I treat myself to a chocolate cake slice as well. $80.25. We spend the rest of the evening relaxing, finish watching The Good Place (a very emotional finale) and make it into bed for half 11.
Daily total: $103.86
​
Total Expenditure: $543.96
Food & Drink: $257.70
Groceries: $103.25
Clothes/Home: $123.00
Other: $60.01
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Lastly, reflect on your diary!
This is a pretty average week for us during COVID. We usually go out drinking over every other weekend, but that extra spending would balance out with the home/other expenditure as I try to make sure we spread our spending out. The AMEX balance is a bit higher than the usual weekly amount as J and I both ordered a trunk club a few weeks and kept a few of the clothes but the system errored which delayed us processing our returns (and them billing us). As we’ll looking to buy the car soon, it also feels like a better decision to leave the balance on the card and keep more cash available – I’m not concerned as we’re only just into the new credit statement period and J’s will get an extra pay period this month which will clear it.
Pre-COVID, this is actually lower than our weekly spend, as we also had most of my salary coming into the US account as well and were spending most of it socialising, travelling and just enjoying living in a city. If we had to, we could cut our costs and save a lot more, but we’re here to enjoy ourselves and so long as we can eat and pay the mortgage, we’re happy. We’ve also already reached our total savings goal for our time out here, so anything extra is a bonus.

Hello, everyone. I have reached the point in my life where I have now been estranged from my mother for a longer period of time than when I had a relationship with her. I cut her off shortly before I turned 17 so many years ago, and now 17 years later I am 34, married, and with two children.
First, I'd like to share my story, which starts in the city of Dallas one July morning when I was born. My mother and father had married when they found out they were having me, but that marriage only lasted until my first birthday. Following the divorce, my father joined the US Navy and fought in Desert Storm, while my mother spirited me away first to Arizona for a year, and finally to Las Vegas, NV to attend college at UNLV. Shortly thereafter, I was three years old with a step-father and a new baby half-sister, and two more half-brothers would come in the coming years.
My earliest memory living in Las Vegas also happens to be the only happy memory I had of living there. When I was five, my dad took leave and visited me, and we spent the whole week together including a trip to Circus Circus. It was a theme that would be constant for the rest of my child -- the only times I ever felt happy was when I was not in Las Vegas with my mother and the new family that she started.
Even from early on, I never felt like I belonged with the family that I was living in. I had a different father who lived on the opposite coast, and I was treated far differently as if I was an inconvenient child that nobody knew what to do with. I was not my step-father's son, and unlike my sibling my interactions with him usually ended up explosive in temperament, including having objects thrown at me, with my mother doing little to stop it. In fact, my mother often reinforced the behavior which only led to fights and arguments with her as well, fights which would only subside when my dad calmed me down over the phone.
While my half-siblings did like me and looked up to me, I also never felt as strong a bond with them as they did with each other, or with their parents. I had my own room, and my own stuff, while they had to share among themselves. They received care and affection from both of their parents, while I had a tumultuous relationship with the one we shared and a long distance relationship with the one we did not. When my step-father's family came over, it was my half-siblings who were showered with attention while I was just the other child from their in-law's failed marriage. From very early on in my childhood it was clear to me that I did not belong with this family.
Then there was the effect that Las Vegas has on many adults living there. I remember being nine years old witnessing screaming arguments between my mother and step-father. You see, my step-father had a gambling addiction where he would receive his paycheck and swiftly deposit it into the slot machines at the grocery store hoping for a payout that would never come. There was also the work schedules. Since Las Vegas is a 24/7 town, it is not unusual for people to work odd shifts including evenings and into the wee hours of the night. I was often left to entertain myself while my mother was asleep all day with the blackout curtains drawn.
As a means of coping, I applied myself academically at school because it was something that I actually felt that I could do well. Unfortunately, my July birthday meant that I was always the youngest kid in all of my classes and that, coupled with my small frame, meant that I was often picked on and bullied with nobody at home that I thought would really support me.
The only times that I ever felt happy were when I flew to Dallas for the summer to visit my grandparents and the rest of my dad's side of the family, and my dad would always organize his leave to meet me there too. I have several cousins who are close to my age living there, and I have many fond memories of summer pool parties every Sunday afternoon at my grandparent's house. I looked forward to flying out every summer because I felt like it was where I belonged.
At nine years old, shortly after finishing the fourth grade, was when I hit my first breaking point with my mother. I don't remember at all what we were fighting about, but it became so intense that it ended with my mother packing away all of my things and sending me to live with my dad within the week. I was that child that she didn't know what to do with and she just sent me away, and I was thrilled. My dad had just been stationed in Oklahoma City for shore duty, a mere three hour drive from Dallas, and I would live with him for the next three years through fifth, sixth, and seventh grades.
The change was great for me, and I think that those three years were the golden years of my early childhood. While my dad does not speak much, and he occasionally had to leave me with a babysitter when he was on duty, with him I felt like I was listened to and that I belonged. We often took weekend trips to Dallas and I developed a strong bond with my grandparents and all of my cousins. I remember him taking me camping and fishing, teaching me how to shoot a gun, letting my twelve year old self drive the car on some old country roads, building a go-kart for me to drive around the neighborhood, and all kinds of experiences that I never had in Las Vegas. My school life was much better, too, and I had a good group of friends at the time.
My relationship with my mother was limited to phone calls from time to time and brief summer trips to Las Vegas. Ironically, fate made the phone calls very rare when our WebTV internet service ended up charging up an $1800 phone bill leading our phone to be disconnected for over a year. Since it was a bit of a hike to walk to the convenience store to call my mother from the pay phone, it happened less frequently and that is probably a good thing as she was also going through her second divorce while I was living in Oklahoma.
Unfortunately, my time with my dad came to an end when his shore duty tour ended and he was assigned to an aircraft carrier that was about to deploy. In the eighth grade, I moved back to Las Vegas to live with my mother. At the time, she was dating another guy who had two kids of his own, and they had moved in. My half-siblings were living with their father as he had the family support network in Las Vegas whereas my mother did not. All of the same problems that we had in early childhood existed now, except with a new guy in the house and a new set of kids that I had no bond with whatsoever. I was going to a new school, too, but it was not a very good school and I was always isolated and bullied there.
I didn't even make it through the school year before I hit my second breaking point. Our constant fighting probably led to her boyfriend from breaking things off with her, and I always felt like she was blaming me for it. One day, we got into an argument so intense that she drove me in the middle of the night to admit me into a mental hospital where I would spend two weeks being told how much of a terrible child that I was until I would admit that to the doctor and my mother in a consultation. It was easily the most humiliating experience I had ever gone through in my life. A month after I had been discharged I was given the option to move in with my dad in Virginia Beach, VA, and I took the opportunity without hesitation.
During that year, my dad married the woman who he had been dating. She already had a toddler child out of wedlock and was expecting a child by the time that I moved in. It was a little weird, because here I was a 14 year old entering high school with a step-mother who was 23 years old, but I was just so happy to move away from Las Vegas and the toxic relationship that I had with my birth mother.
My poor relationship with my step-father before, however, certainly affected me in my relationship with my step-mom. She was young and unfamiliar with what to do with a teenager step-son who is not that much younger than her, and I was conditioned by previous experiences to be distrusting of her. We had some growing pains during my teenage years for sure, but nothing ever got as bad as what I experienced in Las Vegas. I also formed more of a bond with my toddler step-sister and the two half-brothers that would be born because I was trusted with the responsibility of helping to care for them as infants given our large age gap, and I do believe that made a difference. While there may have been times that I felt that maybe I didn't belong in this new family, I think that was remedied by my dad and step-mom keeping me involved and trusting me.
I also felt like I had direction in my high school years. I had joined the school's NJROTC unit, made some close friends that I still talk to today, and really enjoyed those years. I spent my freshman and sophomore years in Virginia Beach, and I felt like I had a clear path forward into adulthood all laid out for me.
Unfortunately, that all came to an end when my dad was deployed again during my junior year. With my dad being out to sea for nine months, my step-mom wanted to move back to Georgia where her family could help to take care of my step-sister and my first infant half-brother, a decision which I fully understand. My mother decided that it would be best for me to move to Las Vegas to live with her, however, and I didn't have a say in the matter. During this move, she couldn't even be bothered to fly me like during past moves, and I embarked on a three day Greyhound bus adventure across the country where I feared I was going to be kidnapped or raped at any moment. to live with my mother in Las Vegas.
This time I was not only living with my mother, I was also living with her mother and drunkard brother because she could not afford to live on her own. I wanted to just emancipate myself right then and there, and I would have tried to do so if I would have qualified to do so. The only difference was that we did not fight as often, it was more of a silent treatment. She often worked all night, or went out to party and go to concerts, and slept all day with the blackout curtains drawn anyways. I have memories of her being dumped by some guy and then closing herself in her room to eat bowls of straight powdered sugar, and I felt nothing but shame that she was my mother. As before, I had no friends in Las Vegas although my junior year at school wasn't as bad as previous experiences in earlier childhood. I felt isolated and alone, and was just biding my time to move back with my dad for my senior year. When I finally moved back, taking another greyhound bus across the country, my last works to her were, "I don't ever want to see or speak to you again." and for 17 years I had followed through on that.
She certainly tried to contact me at first. All through my senior year she tried calling the house frequently, but I never accepted the phone call. When I was 19 I had moved out on my own and also moved back to Dallas, so she would try to reach me through my grandparents with no success. For the first four years I was also inundated with unwanted letters from her trying to justify herself through emotional sob stories, never once acknowledging what she had done to push me away. She even tried to show up at my work one day, an event that ended with me denying knowing her and having security escort her off premises. Eventually the attempts to recontact stopped until about five years in it was as if she did not exist to me.
In the time that I was estranged from my mother, I had graduated high school, obtained my drivers license, joined the US Navy and served for six years, obtained a college degree all while serving, met my beautiful spouse, and had two children (4 years old and 4 months old), and got my dream job as an engineer living and working in Japan. I do not regret walking out on her at all because she was not a positive influence in my life at all and I just feel like she would have kept me held back.
My only regret in cutting off contact was actually cutting off my half-siblings as well. While I never felt like I belonged with them, they did look up to me dearly and I do feel like I have betrayed them in a cruel way. I just could not allow myself to have any ties to my mother or to the city of Las Vegas, because my time there was too much to bear, so my relationship with them ended up being a casualty of my fallout with my mother. I stalk them online from time to time, though, and I am happy that they are doing well. My half-sister followed her dream and became an event photographer for a local radio station in Las Vegas, my older half-brother just finished his Associates in accounting and got picked up for a pretty good job also in Las Vegas, and my younger half-brother is just figuring out his early 20s. I'm sincerely happy that they are all doing well and I am sorry for any pain that I caused them from severing ties with our mother.
That brings me to the present day, where I have just turned 34 years old meaning that I have been apart from my mother for longer than I have had any association with her, and I am considering restoring limited contact with her for a few reasons.
First, and this is the main reason, I had checked in on her FaceBook page and it seems like she has become a different person than I remembered before. Her posts are generally positive and she is often spending time with her other three adult children. I looked through her entire Facebook feed to 2008 and I did not find a single post where she laid out the self-victimization sob stories that were in the letters she sent when we first broke contact. When she did mention me, it was her posting a message wishing me a happy birthday every year where she apologizes for hurting me and is praying that I would recontact her one day, or an old photograph with her commentary on what was a happy time to her, or posts where she is expressing happiness for what I have achieved in my life when she hears about them. It actually makes me cry because I believe she is actually sincere since these kinds of posts go back for the last nine years and I never had any idea.
Second, while I resent what she has done to me in my childhood, now that I am a parent myself I can appreciate the impossible situation she was in given that appeasing me may very well have been alienating to her other three children. There were times when I treated her unfairly, and I am willing to take responsibility and apologize for those times if she is also willing to take responsibility and apologize for how her actions hurt me.
Finally, I do not want to deny my children the right to get to know their grandmother, especially since she seems to have changed over the past 17 years. I am considering extending an olive branch and allowing her to visit her grandchildren here in Japan as soon as all of the travel restrictions are lifted.
If she has changed for the better, and is willing to take responsibility for her actions, and is willing to come to us to meet, then I can see our relationship being reconciled. To be honest, though, I am scared to reach out. I got her cell phone number and put it in my phone, but I have not yet found the courage to hit dial. I also fear what my half-siblings must think of me, but I do think it is finally the time to make the move and try to reconcile.
Thank you if you took the time to read my story. Mostly it helps me to just get it all written down, but I hope it is a change since there are so few stories on this subreddit of estranged adult children actually talking about reaching the point where reconciliation may be an option.